The ideas I present here are influenced by Tony Herbine-Blank (my teacher in Couples therapy) and analogy she makes between an iceberg and a partner’s relationship in the couple.
What’s the massage of the partners, blaming each other?
If my partner is exactly what I want, then I don’t need to do that deeper work.
What’s my message?
What if we do this trauma work that you had before you met your partner and your partner actually supports, understands and loves you while you do this work?
Couple therapy is not done and these ideas do not apply if there is violence, high-risk addictions, or long-term extramarital relationships in the relationship. In these cases, it is not safe for the partner to connect with their vulnerable parts in the presence of the other, and this is why a therapist is the best resource. This is why individual therapy for both partners is recommended for these couples.
Example
of how from blaming our partner we move toward deep work of healing our trauma
